You killed me

You torn out my heart.
You ripped me apart.
Blood pouring from deep within my soul.
Tears enough to fill a river.
Tears still pouring down my face.
Tears that can never be replaced.
The words you spoke haunts me.
Nightmares torture me.
You held my world in your hands and helplessly I watched it shatter apart right in front of my eyes as I fell to my knees, crawling, begging you to stay even though I know you want to walk away. Uncontrollable, undeniable pain - something never before I have felt.
A life you once gave me, now ripped away.
Too weak to speak, too numb to walk, too scared to think.
A smile now lost, a frown now found.
You say this is for the best, you say you love me so much you would rather walk away and watch me being happy the only thing you don't realize is, you didn't just safe my life.
You destroyed it. You didn't just make me happy - you killed me!!!

This poem was also written in 2011 after my fiancee (whom i am still engaged to ironically enough) had a tad bit too much to drink and thought that my life would be better without him. Thank goodness, i stuck like glue.

My Gran

This poem was writen in 2011 a year after I very sadly lost my gran to death.

Here I am, reliving all that happened a year ago.
I feel what I felt.
I think what I thought.
All thoughts running through my head constantly.
My heart shattering to the floor into tiny pieces, nothing keeping them together anymore.
I lost my smile and found a frown.
I try to be happy but fall apart over and over again.
I need an escape.
Somewhere away from this pain.
Something to stop the ache.
A burning ache I feel deep inside.
Please just let this be a nightmare from which I will awaken soon.
Make it go away.
I hate myself for not doing and giving more.
Life is such a short, unpredictable thing, no one knows what can happen within the next few seconds. In a matter of seconds your whole world can fall apart right in front of your eyes.
All your defences can be broken down and destroyed, nothing left but weakness, suffering and pain.
I sit and watch my whole world crumble through my fingers.
Its hard to Walk, its hard to talk, and even harder to breathe.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know where to run to.
Feels like the world is closing in on me.
Everything is collapsing down on me.
Leave me alone, go away.
I don't want to eat, I don't want to walk, I don't want to talk.
Just please leave me alone.
Go away you stupid feelings and emotions.
Go away you stupid thoughs.
Leave me alone.
Just leave me alone.!!

Just A Poem

Sometimes I just want to be alone, it feels like I have this burning ache deep inside just to get away from it all.
Funny though how loneliness is the one thing that slowly tears me apart.
Silence around me but my mind I can never completely quite.
Secretely I am terified of being alone and silently I cry.
No one can wipe away my tears for invisible tears are the hardest to wipe.
Afraid to let my mind take over.
Afraid to think, because thinking makes me lose grip of reality.
A reality that doesnt seem to exist in my life - living in a fairytale just seems so much easier and less painfull.
This is me.
But who am i realy?
Life made a change in me and I am just really scared.
Scared of everything.
Scared of everyone.
Sometimes i want to run away but the ghosts of my past clings to me like a shadow - never letting go, not even in the dark.
Restless nights I roll around - not even my dreams can offer me an escape.
Nothing can keep away the fear that has been burnt deep into my soul, wild beasts ripping me apart.
In silent halways I scream.
I scream above the crowd just to recieve a hollow echo.
I wish I could be alone, just me, myself in complete silence without you fear having an unbreakable grip over me!

Written in 2010